KATHLEEN’S THOUGHTS & PONDERINGS

How Does God See You?

Kathleen M Peters, Speaker/Author
 

In an effort to help some mamas see they are not the only ones who have negative thoughts about themselves,  I posted this question to the mamas in my Facebook group, Real Mama Sisterhood “What is a negative thing you’ve told yourself that you KNOW is untrue/unfair?” As I read the responses that came pouring in, I melted in a puddle. This is my journal entry that morning.

My Journal Entry

I’m floored at the way God has transformed my heart. As I read each of these negative words my sweet mamas say to themselves, I am floored by the flood of emotions and tears I have rushing in. I feel it so deeply. I can’t even describe the emotions. I want to stop and tell them every reason that is not true. I want to hug them and show them that isn’t how God sees them at all. They are his sweet kiddo. He adores them and made them into these amazing women. And those voices are lies the enemy wants them to believe. It is in this place of unworthiness that we become like a wounded animal. We hide. We snarl and shrink back when others get close. We spend our energy protecting ourselves and then there is none to move forward.

“I was a broken unusable vessel.”

I am in awe, Lord of where you’ve brought me. How can this be? You’ve taken this broken selfish woman who has cried out to you for years to make me more thoughtful, loving, and merciful. All these years I believed I was less because it didn’t occur to me to bring new moms meals when they gave birth, or to find tangible ways to reach out to folks in need. I thought because my best friend loved people this way, I was a broken unusable vessel.

Why oh, why did he not do a lobotomy and rewire my brain. I prayed daily at times, for him to not just renew my mind, but to completely make it different. “Make me like her,” is essentially what I was asking. It was so frustrating. Every action taken by another women obviously gifted in being ‘thoughtful’ was a painful reminder that I was selfish. And then let the self-flogging begin.

I knew the bible said I was wonderfully made by my creator; I knew I was given gifts; I knew I was unique, but still I was ashamed of my faults and felt I would never be enough until I figured out this conundrum.

And now, the irony. I get to encourage women daily. I get to speak into their lives and let them know they are unique, gifted, and awesome JUST the way they are.

God IS ROOTING FOR YOU

I read their negative thoughts and I cry. I cry because I’ve lived with those damning thoughts since I was a young girl, and I know they are flat out lies. I know if they would believe the truth about themselves and get out from under their own ‘shoulding’, they would fly, feel the wind in their face, and embrace the freedom of knowing they are beautifully and wonderfully made by a God who is not disappointed or surprised they are flawed, but is rooting for them as they struggle. He always knew imperfection was a part of this earthly gig. Being that he’s God and all, I don’t think he’s taken off guard by our blunders or weaknesses. And really, I use that word weakness reluctantly; I’m beginning to see those more of not our ‘area of genius.’ When I don’t love or I act out of anger, there is something in me (a lie, a bad experience) that triggers that behavior. I really think it’s more of a, “Oh, sweet girl. That stung. And I can see you reacted because you believed that person was trying to hurt you or because you had set yourself up with unrealistic expectations. Oh, that hurts my heart for you.” And “that hurts my heart,” isn’t disappointment or “I’m ashamed of you,” but “I wish you could see the situation as I do. I’m sad you are not aware of the truth at this moment.”

YOU’RE NOT MAD AT THE HERIOINE

Have you ever heard your husband say something and you are just SURE it was from an intent to hurt you, and then later you come to realize you misinterpreted his words? Happens to you all the time, too??? And then you realize, ‘O good grief! All that emotion and anger I spent on something that wasn’t even true. Ugh.’ And then you are exhausted. Yep. I wonder if God isn’t standing back and seeing the whole situation (you know, because I’m pretty sure he knew what your husband was REALLY saying) and is just thinking, ‘Uh. Oh. She doesn’t understand. Oh, if she only got what he meant.’ Kind of like in your typical romance movie. There is always a misunderstanding. And as an audience member, you want to yell at the screen and say, ‘No. No. No. That’s not what he meant. Don’t leave. Shoot. You’re going to miss out on this fabulous man. If she only knew, it would change everything.’ You’re not mad at the heroine. You don’t want to point your finger at her and tell her how disappointed you are with her because you GET IT. You get why she’s behaving that way and you just pray she figures it out in time so she can be with the man she was clearly meant to be with. This is what I wonder about how God sees us. He’s not mad at us for not ‘getting it’ either. He’s rooting for us. He wants us to get the guy, so to speak. He wants us to have blessings and he sees how we block ourselves.

And that’s where the journal entry ends. I’ve grown up believing God was waiting for me to clean house, “Get it together! Look sharp!” And now, I’m beginning to see this God of love and new beginnings, who on purpose made me the way I am. A God who looks at me with tenderness and is excited to see what I do with the gifts he gave me. And THIS is what I want to scream on the mountain tops to all mamas. I think he wants us to focus more on what he gave us and less on what he didn’t. The negative/unfair thoughts belong in the pit with the guy who is most excited to see us beat ourselves up. I’m vowing to throw mine there. How about you?

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